COMMENTARY

LYNNE LARKIN

The Ray Rice abuse story isn’t about anger. No way. Everyone gets angry. It’s a tough world—bad things happen. Abusers use it as an excuse to act horribly. Good people know that no emotion excuses harming another.

The real problem is we excuse bad behavior all the time. Whether we term it bullying, physical abuse, mental abuse, or many other explicit terms, it is harmful to the victims in ways many people can’t begin to understand. If we are to get past this tsunami of violence against women, we can’t keep saying any part of it is okay.

The discussions circulating about the “slug-in-the-elevator” video are enlightening. First, the blasé nature with which Ray Rice reacts to an unconscious “loved one” seems to draw little attention. There’s neither alarm nor rush to her aid on his part; he treats her like a sack of potatoes – chattel. “It” fell. I’ll move “it” with my feet. His only worry is himself, he might get arrested [since he knows assault and battery is a crime].

Second, too many people, including women, even including the victim, think the fault lies with the woman laying on the floor. Nnowhere in our country should anyone still think that women and children are property, owned by the man or husband. People have beaten this, quite literally, into the heads of those weaker than they are. A father or brother, or even a complicit mother, made [in this case] women feel less when they were growing up, made them feel unworthy of any respect. How hard it is to believe when you are a child that your parent not only doesn’t love you, but doesn’t really even know what love is. Such parents take pleasure in their power over others.

If we look just to our recent past, the 1950-60’s, women who were abused never told anyone. Nobody. Their friends and family would indict them for not being a good wife or partner. There was nowhere to turn. I know personally of a woman, recently married, who discovered in 1953 that her new spouse was horribly abusive. She ran home to her parents, frightened and sobbing. They sent her back without a word of sympathy or help. He was her husband. Period. That was the last time she asked for assistance, and she didn’t speak of it again for over 40 years until a time when she saw her daughter being abused, as well.

Thirdly, we react in wonder that someone so abusive has such a lovely wife or partner. This is no surprise. Abusers don’t look for strong people. When adults, abused people are [not accidentally] targeted by someone who declares their love, but who turns out to be just like their original abusers. The abusers grew up manipulating with power. They know if you can wear down a person mentally, which is where the damage really begins, the victims accept more and more abuse.

As seen, women stand by “their” man, thinking they can do better, that things will change. Just like they thought Daddy or Mommy would love them if they did better. Or they are absolutely new to abuse and can’t for a minute think that anyone who loves them would verbally degrade them in private and in public, would raise a hand to them in any possible scenario.

The vast majority of cases are never reported. As clearly shown by the attitude of NFL management, “It happens” is a more likely the response than “Dear God, how do we stop this!”

Recognize abuse. Recognize that you can change only your reaction to it, the other person needs help you can’t provide.