COMMENTARY
MILT THOMAS
In recent years we have seen an explosion in the number of homeless hogs, living in what’s left of the wild around here, and now they are cruising our neighborhoods, looking for new digs. Literally. Wherever they live, it looks like Flanders Field during World War I. They are not neat and tidy; they are – pigs. And they are a nuisance, a very big nuisance, upwards of 300 pounds of fatback. I yelled at one to get out of my yard and it took three trips. Now wait, that was a neighbor.
Timber Ridge has apparently been putting up with a gang of wild hogs, tearing up yards and pushing over outhouses, TP-ing lawns and other acts of malicious mischief. You can tell if a hog is a gang member by the logo carved on one of its tusks, but if you can read it, you’re too close.
Several years ago my son and his daughter walked in a field near their house and saw what they thought was a little dog. As they approached, it’s very large mother started charging them. Wouldn’t recommend any close encounters like that unless you have a high caliber rifle and carving knife.
Anyway, the question is why do we have this problem and what can be done about it? Feral hogs are basically undocumented immigrants. They came here with the first explorers (Christopher Columbus, Ponce de Leon, George Hormel) who basically let them go forth and multiply in the days before there were fences and deed restrictions. They were among Florida’s first homesteaders and worked the land, but didn’t stay in one place long enough to qualify for homestead exemption.
Baby feral hogs are cute, and because they are undocumented, we should send them back to Spain. The biggest problem is trying to separate them from their aggressive and large undocumented mothers. Meanwhile, they grow up and start their own families, further compounding the problem.
So we are left with no choice other than killing them. There was the annual hog ‘challenge’ recently, where ‘hunters’ could register for a 12-hour killing spree and compete for heaviest hog and most hogs killed. The reason I emphasized challenge and hunters, because really, how much of a challenge is it to shoot a hog big as a Dodge pickup truck. It is probably easier just to run them over with a truck and save the bullets.
Any pork recipes you have around the house will work, just adjust the quantities to a minimum 200 pounds of meat. I’ll be happy to come over and share the pig flesh wealth and help you provide a real service for the community, reducing the immigrant hog population.
Commissioner Bob Solari says he had a soft spot for feral hog hunters, but I think his soft spot probably came from eating too much of the hogs themselves. Sorry, Bob. Didn’t mean to go feral on you.
Indian River Guardian 
When Mr. K. and I crisscrossed Indian River County cutting lawns for a living, we encountered the destructiveness of those porkers. In one large field, there was an area about 1,000 sq ft that appeared to have been plowed. The neighbors in this small, rural community told us there had been much damage by feral pigs. At another location, with a private airstrip, the pigs, not knowing (or caring) that their rooting was detrimental to planes landing and taking off, made a mess. The humans had a trap (large one) put in place, and I believe said pig was caught. However, I’m sure there are more which took that pig’s place. And, yes, like the “ponies” on Chincoteague and other locations and the remaining mustangs in our West, those feral hogs were a gift of the Spanish. And then, I guess the long-horned cattle also are from other countries. Mama hogs (feral or otherwise) are protective. Do the hog hunters get to take their hog dogs with them? Now THAT is sport – watching several dogs latch on to extremities of a porker – the snout, too, and listening to the high-pitched cries of that critter. And yes, the hog may get a bite in. Even without the dogs, I suspect the sharpshooter has little trouble taking down his prey. By our nature, we continue to destroy the habitats of both native and “alien” animals. Pig roasts, I hear, are well-attended in this county of ours. We’ll pass.
Milt, we read this aloud at our office and were laughing our Boston butts off! Great article!