Happy New Year!

commentary

milt thomas

After a week without my computer, Christmas without family and one story – coronavirus – through the entire year, it is time to tell 2020, “YOU’RE FIRED!!!!”

We already know the coronavirus will still be with us for much of 2021, so we thought for a break we would take out our fake crystal ball and see what predictions might be in store for us:

Coronavirus: The pandemic will continue to make headlines with infections, hospitalizations and deaths soaring to new heights, while the vaccine seems to be caught up in bureaucracy. Our governor has created near panic conditions declaring Floridians 65 and older would be given priority, creating restless crowds standing in line wherever it is supposed to be available and State health department websites crashing under the weight of demand for a cure that may not be available realistically for months.

Impossible as it may sound, there are still many people who think the coronavirus is nothing more than a flu and rejecting face masks as a total imposition on their right to infect everyone.

But we predict Dr. Fauci and the CDC will help solve the vaccine supply problem by limiting it only to those people who believe the virus is real and want the vaccine ASAP. The COVID deniers will be provided instead with a supply of vitamin C tablets and Theraflu.

In a somewhat related story, cattle ranchers across the state report that herd immunity has been achieved – not a single cow has been infected by the coronavirus. You say you did not know cattle could become infected by the virus? Apparently herd immunity does work after all!

Politics: After exhausting all options (real and imagined), to reverse the election results, Donald Trump will finally accept on January 20 that he is no longer president. Former White House officials not so much though, as they will continue to interfere with the new administration by making prank calls to Biden staffers, TP-ing trees on the White House lawn and deflating tires on Air Force One.

Food supply: We will be eating meat grown in a lab this year. Meat grown from animal and fish cells, or the more technical term “cultured animal protein,” will mean a more sustainable food supply, reduce animal cruelty and help the planet. A Dutch pharmacologist, Mark Post, made the world’s first cell-based hamburger in 2013.

Meat and fish grown from animal cells would have many advantages as the world’s population grows, but for the concept to work, it must overcome scientific, regulatory and consumer hurdles. For instance, would a scientist even want to take credit for inventing it? And how do you regulate lab-created food – give it a cell number? For consumers, the question is really how do you expect me to eat food grown in a lab when I already have a problem eating my vegetables?

In spite of these questions, if there is a market for scrapple, limburger cheese, liver mush and cod liver oil, why not cultured animal protein?

Brexit: Finally, the worst economic crisis to impact the European Union since its founding, Brexit, has been resolved. After four years and literally with hours to spare, UK and EU negotiators overcame the obstacles that had blocked a satisfactory conclusion. Most people do not know what exactly cleared the way, but sources hint the answer was….BrexLax!

Brexlax worked by improving the flow of commerce across the English Channel, eliminating wasteful barriers that taxed goods moving in and out of European countries, and gave England the satisfaction it craved without upsetting the EU’s “in-continent” control.

PS: We expect to send a supply to Operation Warp Speed officials in Washington under the code name “VaxLax.”

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